If you’ve ever thought that personal growth wasn’t for you, and just faked happiness to get through life, you’re not alone.
For most of my adult life, I put on a happy face, convincing everyone—including myself—that I was fine. But everything changed around my 40th birthday when I learned the hard way that ignoring mental health struggles doesn’t make them disappear.
For two years, I spiraled out of control—battling addiction, hallucinations, suicide attempts, and multiple stays in mental health institutions. I screamed for help, desperate for someone to come along and fix me. I truly believed that if I could just find the right person, they could save me from the nightmare I was trapped in.
But after my final suicide attempt, something shifted. Death itself had rejected me, and in that moment, I realized I had wasted years waiting for someone to rescue me. The truth hit hard: the only person who could fix me was me.
I had no idea where to begin, so I devoured self-help books, searching for answers. Restless, I began spending more days outdoors. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but those two habits would become the foundation for the best life I could have ever imagined.
I survived a time when I truly believed suicide was my only way out. Now, I share my story to offer hope to anyone who feels as lost and broken as I once did.
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HIDING THE PAIN
From my late teens onward, I lived a double life, unknowingly battling what I now recognize as high-functioning depression. On the surface, I seemed fine, but beneath that mask were relentless worries, dark thoughts, and overwhelming emotions that I kept bottled up. To me, it made sense that if no one saw my pain, then it didn’t really exist.
I threw myself into my career, starting my own business at 24. To the outside world, I was a driven entrepreneur, but in reality, work had become my escape. I worked 70-hour weeks, and when I wasn’t working, I was cleaning my house obsessively or drinking in some bar to numb the pain.
I was a people-pleaser to the extreme—desperate for approval, terrified of letting anyone down. I became a chameleon, changing my personality to fit in with whoever I was around. But no matter how hard I tried, I never felt like the “real me” was good enough.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I spent over 20 years literally trying to run away from myself. It never occurred to me to face my pain head-on because in my mind, I had it under control. But I was terribly wrong.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
In 2019, as I turned 40, my mental health took a sharp nosedive. I started experiencing uncontrollable emotional outbursts, terrifying hallucinations, insomnia from recurring nightmares, and lapses in memory. The visible self-harm and impulsive suicide attempts were the breaking point for my family.
My husband tried to get me help by admitting me to a psychiatric hospital. Sadly, the system was overwhelmed, so I was quickly diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, given new meds, and sent home after just one single week of treatment.
That experience shattered any hope I had of getting medical help. I felt helpless, lost, and broken beyond repair.
Not long after, during a family vacation, I made my final suicide attempt—intentionally overdosing. In my mind, it felt like a rational decision. I was hopelessly unfixable, and I didn’t want my family to suffer because of me anymore. To this very day, I still remember the exact moment my heart stopped beating.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Hotline.
A SPARK OF HOPE
The next thing I knew, I was in my husband’s arms. I barely opened my eyes as I heard him say, “She just had another seizure.” Before I slipped back into unconsciousness, I realized something completely uncomprehensible—I was still alive.
Over the next few weeks, I couldn’t shake the question: Why? I knew I had died. I felt it. My husband told me he had felt it too, and he also felt the moment I came back. There had to be a reason, and if I had been given a second chance, I needed to figure out why. But that meant I had to finally face everything I had spent years running from.
The following months were filled with research, lifestyle changes, failures, and setbacks. But somewhere in the mess, I began to experience the new and strange feelings of hope, determination, and confidence. Most of the time, I was outdoors when these feelings somehow found their way to me. And even though I would sometimes go days, or even weeks without feeling them at all, I began to look forward to their sudden appearance in my life.
THE BIRTH OF A PERSONAL GROWTH JOURNEY
The moment I accepted that no one else could “fix” me and I had to take responsibility for my own mental health was the moment I learned to truly live again.
I started small. I read, I researched, I made changes. I failed, I tried again. Slowly, something shifted and I started believing in myself. And even on the days when I struggled, I kept moving forward with the intention to learn, and a purpose to live.
These first steps became the building blocks of my journey:
- Mindfulness – Learning to be present helped me understand my emotions instead of letting them control me.
- Gratitude – Practicing gratitude gave me reasons to smile, and made my life meaningful again.
- Time in Nature – Being outdoors was like hitting a delete button on my stress, anxiety and depression.
- Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone – Challenging my fears little by little built my courage, self-worth and independence.
- Small Adventures – I found new interests, discovered fun hobbies, learned who I was, and built a sense of “self” with every adventure.
Sharing My Journey
When I finally took responsibility for my healing, my entire life improved. I remember telling my husband one day, “If I don’t do the difficult stuff, I’ll never get anywhere.” That realization transformed everything.
It led me to discover my true purpose: to share lessons learned from my own personal growth journey adventures—messy, muddy and raw—to help others see that hope isn’t lost and suicide is never the answer.
You are capable of so much more than you realize, and I want to help you discover that freedom.