If you’ve ever loved someone with depression, you’ve probably found yourself wondering, Why do they do that?
Depression isn’t just feeling sad—it’s like wearing emotional ankle weights all day, every day. And sometimes, their behavior might seem confusing, frustrating, or even hurtful. Understanding these behaviors can help break the cycle of frustration and bring more compassion into our relationships.
It’s important to remember that depression affects people differently. Some might withdraw completely, while others put on a smile and push through their days, struggling in silence. What looks like laziness, avoidance, or moodiness is often a symptom of something much deeper.
The goal of this article isn’t just to explain why these behaviors happen but also to offer guidance on how to support someone going through them. Even small gestures—like validating their feelings or simply being there—can make a world of difference.
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1. Why do they break down over something small?
—Because their emotional cup is already overflowing.—
Imagine carrying a backpack full of bricks. One extra pebble—a slightly rude email, spilling coffee, forgetting to reply to a text—can send them crumbling. It’s not about the tiny thing itself; it’s about the sheer weight of everything else they’re holding.
How You Can Help: Instead of saying, “It’s not a big deal,” try validating their feelings with, “I see that this is really overwhelming for you. I’m here if you need support.” Small reassurances can make a huge difference.
2. Why are they always so tired?
—Because depression is an energy vampire.—
Even basic tasks like showering or making breakfast feel like running a marathon. Plus, their brain is often stuck in overdrive, making it hard to sleep well. And even if they do sleep, depression fatigue doesn’t always go away with rest.
How You Can Help: Be patient and understanding. Offer to help with small tasks or encourage them to take breaks. Sometimes, just sitting with them and letting them rest without pressure can be the best support.
3. Why do they struggle to make eye contact?
—Because eye contact feels too intimate.—
When someone’s battling depression, looking into another person’s eyes can feel overwhelming, exposing, and even shame-inducing. They’re not being rude—they’re just protecting themselves from a level of connection that might feel too intense.
How You Can Help: Don’t force eye contact. Let them engage at their own comfort level. If they seem distant, try connecting through other means, like texting, sitting beside them, or offering a reassuring touch if they’re comfortable with it.
4. Why do they push away loved ones?
—Because they think they’re doing you a favor.—
Here’s the ironic twist: They don’t want to lose you, but their brain convinces them you’d be better off without them. Depression feeds them lies—like they’re a burden or they’ll just bring you down. So, they push you away. But in reality, they probably want you to stay more than anything.
How You Can Help: Gently remind them that you care and you’re not going anywhere. Keep showing up, even if they push you away at times. Let them know their presence in your life is valued, not a burden.
5. Why do they socially withdraw?
—Because interacting takes energy they don’t have.—
Plus, social situations can feel like pressure cookers when their brain is already working against them. It’s not that they don’t care about friends and family; they’re just trying to survive the internal battle first.
How You Can Help: Respect their need for space but offer low-pressure ways to connect, like watching a movie together or going for a quiet walk. Remind them that they’re always welcome, without making them feel guilty for needing solitude.
6. Why do they struggle to explain their feelings?
—Because depression is messy.—
Sometimes, they don’t even know what they’re feeling, and putting it into words feels impossible. It’s like trying to describe a color you’ve never seen. Even if they want to talk, finding the right words can feel like solving a puzzle with missing pieces.
How You Can Help: Instead of pressuring them to explain, let them express in their own way. Some people prefer writing or art over talking. Offer a safe, judgment-free space and reassure them that they don’t need to have the perfect words.
7. Why do they self-harm?
—Because physical pain feels more controllable than emotional turmoil.—
Self-harm isn’t about seeking attention—it’s about managing unbearable emotional pain. It can be a coping mechanism, not a cry for help. If someone you love is self-harming, the best thing you can do is offer compassion, not judgment.
How You Can Help: Don’t panic or shame them. Encourage open conversations, offer distractions, and suggest professional support. Let them know you care and that they deserve kindness—especially from themselves.
8. Why do they verbally shut down?
—Because their brain is screaming at them, and they don’t have the energy to form words.—
Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to even respond to a simple “How are you?” because the honest answer feels too complicated, or they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.
How You Can Help: Give them time and space to respond. Let them know you’re there whenever they’re ready, and offer non-verbal support, like sitting quietly with them or sending a simple, “I’m here for you” text.
9. Why do they apologize so much?
—Because depression makes them feel like a walking inconvenience.—
They may constantly worry that they’re annoying, disappointing, or frustrating the people around them. Apologizing excessively is their way of trying to make sure they don’t accidentally push people away—even though, ironically, it can make them seem more distant.
How You Can Help: Gently reassure them that they don’t need to apologize for existing. When they say “I’m sorry,” remind them, “You have nothing to apologize for. I care about you.” Over time, this can help rewire their internal dialogue.
10. Why don’t they ask for help?
—Because opening up risks vulnerability.—
Depression is sneaky—it convinces them that no one wants to help, that they’re too much, or that they should be able to handle it alone. They might also fear judgment or rejection. The best way to support someone struggling? Offer help without waiting for them to ask, and remind them they’re not a burden.
How You Can Help: Be proactive. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something specific, like “Would you like me to bring you a meal?” or “Want to go for a short walk together?” Small acts of kindness can remind them they’re not alone.
Learn more about depression and how to help your loved one with these books:
Final Thoughts
If someone in your life is dealing with depression, remember: they’re not doing these things to you. Depression hijacks behavior in ways that don’t always make sense from the outside. The best thing you can do? Be patient, be kind, and let them know they don’t have to fight it alone.
