Why Forgiveness Isn’t About Them, It’s About You

I used to think forgiveness was a gift you gave to someone else.

That somehow, by forgiving, you were dismissing their actions. And for a long time, I held on to my pain like it was a security blanket—because, in my mind, forgiveness meant that I was letting them off the hook for all the pain they had caused me.

But the thing about carrying resentment is that it’s like holding onto a hot coal, expecting the other person to feel the burn. The only one suffering is you. I had to learn that forgiveness isn’t about them; it’s about freeing yourself. And WOW, does freedom feel good once you allow yourself to embrace it!

The Weight of Holding On

We all have stories. Maybe someone betrayed your trust, hurt you deeply, or left scars you didn’t deserve. It’s natural to feel anger and pain. But when we let those emotions take up permanent residence, they start shaping our thoughts, our decisions, and even our relationships. We end up giving past pain the power to dictate our present happiness.

For years, I let old wounds determine how I moved through life. I kept my guard up, expecting more pain at every turn. I built walls instead of bridges. I convinced myself that if I held on to the anger, I was staying strong. But really, I was exhausting myself.

One day, I had a realization: I wasn’t protecting myself; I was imprisoning myself. And the only way to break free? Forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is (and What It’s Not)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean you have to let toxic people back into your life or pretend like you weren’t hurt. It simply means you’re choosing to release the emotional grip that event or person has on you. You’re choosing peace over resentment.

Forgiveness is also not a one-time event. It’s a process—sometimes a long one. Some wounds take time to heal, and that’s okay. The important part is deciding that you no longer want to be weighed down by past pain.

If you find that journaling helps, I recommend trying this one: A Guided Journal Journey to Forgiveness: Forgiving Yourself, Making Peace With Your Pain and Living a Life of Purpose

8 Steps to Release the Pain You Carry and Embrace Your Freedom

Forgiveness is a journey, not a checkbox. Here’s a more in-depth look at the steps that helped me, and may help you too:

1. Acknowledge the Pain

You can’t heal what you refuse to feel. So often, we try to “stay strong” by ignoring our pain. But stuffing down your emotions doesn’t erase them—it just buries them deeper, where they fester.

Take time to acknowledge what happened and how it made you feel. Write it out in a journal.
Talk to someone you trust. Sit quietly and give yourself permission to feel your emotions without judgment. Name the pain. Give it space.

Ask yourself: What exactly hurt me? What am I still carrying? Sometimes, just putting words to your pain can start to loosen its grip on your heart.

2. Shift Your Perspective

This one took me a long time to even consider. But eventually, I began to ask myself: What might have caused that person to act the way they did? What wounds were they carrying?

Again, this isn’t about excusing bad behavior. It’s about understanding that people hurt others because they themselves are hurting, unaware, or operating from a place of fear or lack.

When you stop seeing someone as the villain and start seeing them as a flawed human—just like you—something shifts. You might even find a small amount of compassion or pity creeping in. And in that moment, you gain power over the pain.

3. Decide to Forgive

This is the hardest and most courageous step. You don’t have to wait for an apology, or until the pain goes away. Forgiveness is an intentional act of releasing your grip on resentment.

Say it out loud: “I choose to forgive.” You may not feel it right away. That’s okay. The decision starts the healing. Your heart will catch up in time.

If it helps, write a letter to the person who hurt you. Pour out everything you wish you could say. Then, in your own time, write, “I forgive you.” You don’t even have to send it—the act itself is healing.

4. Let Go of the Need for Closure

We often hang on to pain because we’re waiting. Waiting for the person to understand, to admit fault, to apologize. But what if that never happens? Does your healing depend on their actions?

True closure comes from within. It comes from deciding that you deserve peace, even if they never make it right. That your story matters, even if they never validate it.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means choosing yourself. It means closing the chapter for your own sanity, not theirs.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

You might not get it right the first time. Some days you may feel like you’ve let go, and the next, you’re replaying the hurt all over again. Be kind to yourself. This is normal.

Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. Remind yourself: Healing is not linear. Setbacks don’t mean failure. Every step you take toward letting go, no matter how small, is progress.

Consider creating a self-care ritual when the pain resurfaces. Meditate, go for a walk, take a hot bath, or write in your journal. Remind yourself that you are doing something incredibly brave.

6. Replace Resentment with Gratitude

At first, this might feel impossible. How can you be thankful for something that caused so much hurt?

But as time passes and the intensity fades, you may find hidden gifts in the pain. Maybe it taught you how to stand up for yourself. Maybe it showed you who you really are. Maybe it led you down a path you wouldn’t have otherwise found.

Try writing a list: “What did I learn from this experience?” You might be surprised by how many answers come.

Gratitude doesn’t minimize your pain. It simply shifts your focus. And where your attention goes, your energy flows.

7. Set Boundaries Moving Forward

Forgiveness and boundaries go hand-in-hand. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean giving them access to hurt you again. It means choosing to no longer carry resentment, while still protecting your peace.

Ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe and respected? Boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about clarity. They’re how you teach others how to treat you.

Whether it means limiting contact, having a difficult conversation, or walking away entirely, know that you have the right to guard your heart. You can forgive someone and still never speak to them again. That’s not cruelty—that’s wisdom.

8. Celebrate Your Progress

Healing through forgiveness is no small feat. Celebrate every little milestone. Maybe you got through a memory without tearing up. Maybe you stopped yourself from sending a bitter text.
Maybe you finally said, “I forgive you” and meant it.

Acknowledge how far you’ve come. Reflect on how much lighter your heart feels. You’re doing deep emotional work, and that deserves recognition.

The Freedom That Comes with Letting Go

I won’t sugarcoat it—letting go isn’t easy. Some days, old resentments sneak back in, and I have to remind myself why I chose to forgive in the first place. But the more I practice it, the lighter I feel. There’s something incredibly freeing about not carrying the weight of the past.

When we forgive, we reclaim our energy, our happiness, and our power. We stop allowing someone else’s actions to control our emotional well-being. We step back into the driver’s seat of our own lives.

So, if you’re holding onto something—some old hurt, some past betrayal—I encourage you to ask yourself: Is this weight worth carrying? Or is it time to let go and step into the freedom of forgiveness?

Because life is too short to let pain define us. And peace? That’s something we all deserve.
And remember: forgiveness doesn’t mean weakness. It means you’re strong enough to rise above the hurt and choose healing over holding on. It means you’re brave enough to rewrite your story—one page, one breath, one step at a time.